“Winning”

Dorian has decided, after an event if tonight and seeing the look on my face, that I should schedule blog posts for when I get back.

After getting into the room, it was gorgeous. It was everything the picture showed. Then he took me down to the lobby bar and my instructions were clear: find solutions.

Dorian  believes I should be more “alpha” and if I want something, don’t just stared at it, go for it. 

He played the part of … uhm… person? 

While we were at the bar, he motioned to a drink and said, “I wonder what that is.”

A gentleman beside him said the same. So I went over and asked the waitress as she loaded her tray, what’s that one there? She told me and I thanked her.

Dorian later ordered us those drinks, we spoke with that man four more times. This is how you make friends, he said. Doing it on vacation is easy practice, I will never see these people again. It’s easy to be kind, especially with the amount of alcohol Dorian was bringing me.

Dorian does not drink. He is an alcoholic, though sober for several years. Everything I drank, he ordered a virgin of. So it was easy to tell myself that I had a drinking partner.

A woman walked up and offered to sell me a raffle ticket for 1 CUC. I bought one. My ticket number was 142. Whatever, put it in my pocket. So I spent some frivolous money.

After about two drinks, you do not have to encourage me. He wondered where the buffet was, I found out. While in the buffet, I thought I saw another side of it so I just got up and wandered off. I wanted white wine so I asked for it, and it was served to the table.

When Dorian sat down, he frowned at the wine, then looked to me. I lowered my eyes and apologized immediately, because I had asked the waitress for wine for me, not him. He jokingly said that I should drink both then, but we both know my tolerance and I was near to.

I still hadn’t slept…

After dinner, we went back to the room and I had a massive panic. I couldn’t recall where I put the converted money. Dorian had to drag me back out because I was panicking. It was only $50 CAD, he said, it was fine. 

That’s… not… no.  For me that’s a lot of money to just lose.

But he dragged me out and back to the lobby for the fashion show/raffle. See found some seats, asked for more drinks. 

Rich man and a woman who thinks she’s hot get in the way. Across the aisle I notice four people. A narcissistic man (I could be wrong on all this, let me just preface with), a random man, two women across from them.

The narcissist had one of those douchebag shave jobs, like he was trying to do, what’s it called, chin curtains? He had a beard that was mean to show off a jawline he didn’t have. He had a round face and the beard didn’t work with that. He also wore a wedding ring and was focused on nothing… or looking at me. 

He was probably looking at me because I was looking at the him.

The two women were a nondescript and a woman who seemed way too… like she was trying to ignore someone else. Way too… expressive.

Then the fashion show started and woman and the two nondescripts got in the way. We couldn’t see anything and there was plenty of space for them to view from the side and us to view it. So I got up and told them no one behind could see, and could they please move to one side or the other?

They did immediately. No hard feelings.

Then the fashion show ended so I pulled out my ticket, but for the first time in my life, I clapped with the crowd.

The wind tool my ticket. I was looking for it as the raffle drawing person called out the number in Spanish.

I took Spanish in high school. I thought I recognized the number, but dismissed it as I frantically searched for my ticket and he read it out in English. 

142.

Mother fucker read my ticket. The moment I said it out loud, the tables around me stood up a date started searching for it. They found it and gave it to me in two minutes top. 

I went up with my ticket. He took my name and country…

Then fucking disqudisqualified me because it took me more than two seconds to come forward. He gave it to the next person.
I went back to Dorian heartbroken. 

Because I had actually won. But I shut up and drank my drink. 

Then that raffle person came over and admitted that he saw us searching, but still called another number rather than wait. He told me not to feel bad and then walked away.

I started crying. Dorian could see it come over me and told me to go to the bathroom.

Because he knew that I wasn’t sad. I was pissed and I was crying because being rage filled is outside of my experience. So I went to the bathroom and sobbed for a while, wiping my eyes  until the tears stopped. 

Then I went back to Dorian as a second drink was delivered. I chugged it back and he looked at me sympathetically.

“Beach?” He asked.

“I’ve been up too long,” I whispered back.

“Room, then,” He said, pulling me to my feet.

And we went back to our hotel room and had sex in the waterfall shower.

Thing is, the bathroom has like shutter windows. The room itself had sheer curtains and them blackout curtains, which we hadn’t closed. The only lights on were in the bathroom, and that shutter window was open.

Our too.  Faces what is supposedly empty rooms. But someone may have gotten an eyeful.

Why, you might ask, would Dorian let me schedule posts and write this all out? 

Because writing about it is cathartic. I am not as upset as I was to start with.

Sex didn’t help, but writing about it made me view it as someone who isn’t a little orphan girl who had every achievement stolen from her because fuck her. I’m calmer because I realized that the world doesn’t fucking hate me and it’s just bad luck.

Whatever. My drink and food is free, and tipping is optional.

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